Elliot has been asking about God lately. "Did God create the earth?" "How was the earth created?" "Is God a person?" "What is God?" "Do Gods die?" I automatically wondered if our heavy into jesus neighbors inspired this latest rumination. What books were they reading in school? Could this be related to the passover seder? Did he overhear an anti-evolution theorist? intelligent design? he hasn't been to the unitarian since october.
The last time he asked about how god created the earth, I told him about how there was a big cosmic explosion in space and bits of life were created on earth. Remember the magic school bus book inside the earth? remember the magic school bus book on dinosaurs? the earth started with small animals and then they got bigger and changed. Evolution, people developed from apes. not exactly what he was asking. I need to work on this.
Tonight I told him that god didn't create the earth. (I still need to work on this.) I just didn't want him to think god was an all seeing all knowing man who created the earth. I told elliot that god isn't a person. it's a feeling, a spirit you can't touch or see. I told him he has god in his soul, in his heart. God is love. it's the love that his dad and I have for him and asher. it's good things, beautiful things, nature. We talked about egyptian and greek gods. other religions and their gods. I should buy him a book on spirtuality.
Ashee
Tonight Asher asked to go to sleep in our bed instead of in his crib, "Bed. Sleep in bed." What have we done??? Danny let him sleep there.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Self Care for Crabby Parents
The parent educator for Asher's class did a "filling up the well class." She urged us to realize that self care is for our relationship and our children's emotional health as well as for our own sanity. She recommended "Parenting From the Inside Out" by Dan Siegal.
Stresses of parenthood:
unpredictable job
dealing with an unreasonable boss
poverty (relative - to pre-kids)
little positive reinforcement
dull, repetitive tasks
sometimes isolating no other adults to talk to
physically draining
clouds thinking
quality of work judged by outsiders
interferes with social relationships
interferes with sexual relationships
lack of sleep makes you cranky
not a lot to give at the end of the day
division of labor tends to be unequal
our own parents judge our parenting
more stress on the breadwinner, higher level of anxiety
In order to cope with the stresses of being a parent of young children we need to ensure we're paying attention to the following dimensions of our identity:
Stresses of parenthood:
unpredictable job
dealing with an unreasonable boss
poverty (relative - to pre-kids)
little positive reinforcement
dull, repetitive tasks
sometimes isolating no other adults to talk to
physically draining
clouds thinking
quality of work judged by outsiders
interferes with social relationships
interferes with sexual relationships
lack of sleep makes you cranky
not a lot to give at the end of the day
division of labor tends to be unequal
our own parents judge our parenting
more stress on the breadwinner, higher level of anxiety
In order to cope with the stresses of being a parent of young children we need to ensure we're paying attention to the following dimensions of our identity:
- Physical
- intellectural
- emotional
- spriritual
- psychological
- Give up little pieces of control
- Practice releasing control
- Strengthen bond between couple with friendship and shared interest
- Learn communication and problem solving skills
- Make sure you time alone
- Make sure you devote time to activities that nurture your indentity (intellectual and creative)
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Elliot's Astronomy Birthday
Everyone we invited showed up at the pacific science center last sunday. So this was a crazy, crazy full house of 4 and 5 year old energy all crammed into one small room. On the agenda was coloring rockets and then blasting them off powered by alkaseltzer and making ice cream with liquid nitrogen. And cake and presents of course.
The teacher was a bit green. She threatened the kids a few times, "We're not having ice cream unless you can sit down" as if this were school. The kids were wild, running around the hall. I wanted to keep them coralled in the room, but the door kept opening. They colored their rockets and then shot off the rockets in the courtyard. One by one. It look a bit longer than expected. Not a great activity for 20 kids. We had to ask them to sit down so they wouldn't get hit over and over again.
We got through rocket episode and then the teacher made blue ice cream with liquid nitrogen. A dramatic cloud of vapor escaped and rolled onto the floor. The kids were impressed. The ice cream was good. I had forgotten about the cake... oops. I put the candles in and we all sang happy birthday. I felt completely barbaric as I pushed off pieces of cake onto the kids' plates. Elliot had a ball. All of the kids from school chasing each other around. The same silly jokes. Very familiar.
We opened presents next, I really didn't want to. I wanted the kids to go into the science center. But Lisa and Teresa pushed me into it. Elliot was polite. He refused to try on the amazing cape that lisa nobis made for him, a blue cape with a big letter E in yellow. He put on the red motorcycle robot shirt that will langley gave him immediately.
Elliot got so many presents it was ridiculous. I stashed most of the toys in the closet. It's just too cramped in this house. He loves the fishing game and the legos. The bug catching box is also a favorite.
Friday, April 14, 2006
my purse was stolen
Thursday morning we dropped off lisa's car at the detailing shop. I got gas, placed my credit card (usaa) in my coat pocket. drove home. we went inside to talk to mitch. I left my purse in the car. I planned on leaving soon. after ten minutes I went into the car and grabbed a spec sheet for some cork I liked. we talked to mitch for ten more minutes. asher was thrashing, he didn't want to be held. danny chased him in and out of the house.
ANYWAY - during the time we were both in the house, my purse was stolen. the car was unlocked. we didn't hear the door close. we didn't see anyone on the sidewalk. I thought I must have left it in the house. maybe I left it at the gas station. the ipod, my credit cards, orange datebook.
later that night, rhonda called to tell me that a man named Tom called her because her name was in an orange day planner he found in an alley in the u district. my wallet was apparently torn in half. nothing else was around. he thought it was trash. I had cancelled my credit cards earlier in the day. I made a police report at 11pm that night. we won't be responsible for any credit fraud or identity theft that may be perpetrated after the fact as long as I have the case number.
we drove to pick up my calendar. tom had us come into his kitchen. he told me more about where he found it. behind the UW drama building off the ave at 39th. in an alley. we drove to the alley, it was raining and trash day. there was nothing in the alley. I called danny a freak because he didn't understand why I wanted to scour the corners of the lot. he thought I was crazy.
ANYWAY - during the time we were both in the house, my purse was stolen. the car was unlocked. we didn't hear the door close. we didn't see anyone on the sidewalk. I thought I must have left it in the house. maybe I left it at the gas station. the ipod, my credit cards, orange datebook.
later that night, rhonda called to tell me that a man named Tom called her because her name was in an orange day planner he found in an alley in the u district. my wallet was apparently torn in half. nothing else was around. he thought it was trash. I had cancelled my credit cards earlier in the day. I made a police report at 11pm that night. we won't be responsible for any credit fraud or identity theft that may be perpetrated after the fact as long as I have the case number.
we drove to pick up my calendar. tom had us come into his kitchen. he told me more about where he found it. behind the UW drama building off the ave at 39th. in an alley. we drove to the alley, it was raining and trash day. there was nothing in the alley. I called danny a freak because he didn't understand why I wanted to scour the corners of the lot. he thought I was crazy.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Cranio Sacral Therapy + Osteopathy
We took Asher to a doctor of osteopathy yesterday to treat his sleep problems /recurrent ear infections. He fell deep asleep immediately after the treatment. Last night he had trouble falling asleep and woke up at 5:30 am. We're going back next monday.
We took Elliot to see dr. sorrel when he was 6 months old because of his birth trauma and we saw a marked difference in his temperment. Here is some information about DOs and cranio sacral therapy.
Doctor of Osteopathy
DOs are licensed for the full practice of medicine and surgery in all 50 states. Osteopaths are completely equivalent to MDs in law and every other aspect. Osteopaths become surgeons and all are able to prescribe controlled medications. Each state determines the tests and procedures for licensing its physicians. In some states, the same tests are given to DOs and MDs; other states administer separate licensing exams.
According to the American Osteopathic Association (AOA), osteopathic medicine is a complete system of healthcare with a philosophy that combines the needs of the patient with the current practice of medicine. Doctors of osteopathic medicine (DOs) practice a whole-person approach, which means they consider both the physical and mental needs of their patients.
A key part of osteopathic medicine is a technique called OMT, or osteopathic manipulative treatment. OMT allows physicians to use their hands as a primary tool to diagnose and treat illness and injury. This form of manual medicine lets DOs examine the back and other parts of the body, such as joints, tendons, ligaments, and muscles, for pain and restriction during motion that could signal an injury or impaired function.
What is Cranio Sacral Therapy?
Cranio-sacral therapy is a comprehensive therapy which can be used effectively for the treatment of many conditions at all ages. It is extremely gentle, non-invasive, and causes no discomfort or disturbance to the client; nor does it have any risks or adverse side effects. It is, for this reason, particularly suitable for the treatment of babies and children.
In treating the cranio-sacral system, the practitioner is seeking out and identifying areas of restriction, compression or tension through the body which may in turn be impeding proper function of organs, muscles, nerves, blood vessels and body tissues in general. These restrictions may be the result of injury, infection, inflammation, erncstional tension or underlying pathologies. They may also be caused by the compressive pressures of the birth process.
How cranio-sacral therapy works
Treatment consists of the practitioner placing his or her hands very gently on the body, identifying the areas of restriction or tension, and following the subtle internal pulls and twists manifested by the cranio-sacral system until points of resistance are encountered and released, thereby enabling the tissues to return to proper healthy futiction. The therapist seeks to restore balance to the cranio-sacral system, thereby enabling it to restore proper function to the affected part of the body.
Treatment is generally soothing, comforting and pleasant, and creates a sense of ease, calmness and well-being. Babies can be treated while cradled in the mother’s arms and even better, while asleep. There is no need to disturb the child by undressing them, since the cranio-sacral patterns can be clearly felt through clothes (or even nappies).
Birth trauma
One area to which cranio-sacral therapy is particularly relevant is birth trauma, the effects of which can cause many common childhood conditions, from minor ailments such as glue car to much more severe disabilities such as spasticity.
During the birth process, the baby’s head is forcefully compressed as it twists through thc narrow birth canal. To allow passage, the cranium of a new-born baby is not a solid, bony structure but a soft membranous balloon, designed to adapt readily and pliably to the rigorous pressures of the birth process.
However, intense compression of this delicate structure over many hours, as is often the case, pushes the bones of the cranium up against each other and distorts the shape of the head. This is normal, and unavoidable, but if any of the cranial bones remain at all distorted, or if they fail to release completely, the distortions may prevent the proper formation of the skull, and thereby affect development of the brain or impinge on associated structures such as nerves and blood vessels.
The body’s inherent self-healing powers are usually able to remould the compressed cranium back into its normal shape. However this innate remoulding is not always completely successful; and the degree to which the restrictions and compressions are resolved varies considerably from individual to individual. If the labour has been long and hard, with the baby stuck in the birth canal with its head engaged, the distortions are likely to be more firmly imprinted and less readily resolved by nature. Even where the birth process has been relatively straightforward, restrictions or compressions may persist and these may in turn inhibit full and proper growth and development.
The effects of these cranial bone restrictions will vary considerably. The most severe cases can lead to cerebral palsy, autism, or epilepsy; less severe cases may result in dyslexia, learning difficulties, hyperactivity, and squint. It can also be linked with other minor common childhood complaints, such as allergies and asthma, as well as general health and well-being.
Ear infections
Recurrent ear infections, otitis media, and glue car are very common in early childhood. and are all suitable for treatment by cranio-sacral therapy. They arise from an accunsulation and stagnation of fluids in the middle ear, behind the ear drum, which leads to infection (often recurrent) and could result in partial or even total hearing loss. The stagnation indicates lack of proper drainage from the middle ear of the accumulated fluids, which should normally pass via the eustachian tube (or auditory tube) running from the middle ear to empty into the nasopharyngeal cavity at the back of the mouth.
Constriction of the eustachian tube may occur as a result of compression or distortion during the birth process; blockage of the tube may arise due to the accumulation of mucus. Treatment of the compressions and tensions in the surrounding area by cranio-sacral therapy will generally remove the constrictions, clear the obstruction, and ensure the free drainage of fluids. Successful treatment relieves the immediate symptoms, restores proper hearing, and therefore proper learning and speech development, and reduces the risk of total hearing loss. It can also reduce the need for antibiotics, and the invasive processes of inserting grommets and other ear, nose and throat operations, including tonsillectomy.
Colic
Colic (and associated ailments) is another condition in young babies for which cranio-sacral therapy is appropriate, and for which it has been found to be effective. Classic colic involves prolonged inconsolable screaming for several hours, with no apparent cause, generally in the early evening. Accompanying symptoms include regurgitation of feeds, excessive wind, inability to bring up wind, projectile vomiting, and obvious pain.
To treat most cases of colic or colic-like conditions, the cranio-sacral therapist concentrates on the principal areas: the cranial base and the solar plexus region. The first, the cranial base, concerns the occipital bone and its relationship with the atlas - vertebra (Cl). The cranial base is the area most susceptible to compression and distortion during the birth process, due to its location and the direction of the pressure exerted on this area by the baby’s passage through the birth canal. It is also an area of vital importance to the overall health and functioning of all individuals, as it is close to many other important structures. These include the jugular foramen, a hole in the base of the skull between the occiput and the temporal bones, through which passes the vagus nerve, or nerve X. This provides the main parasympathetic nerve supply to most of the digestive system; its compression can lead to over-stimulation of the nerve, causing persistent spasm of the digestive organs and, consequently, colic.
Shock
It is perhaps often assumed that because babies are not rational or verbal they do not experience shock and trauma in the same way as adults, or to think that a baby going through the natural process of birth and being lovingly cared for should not be experiencing shock and trauma. But the process of birth is itself often difficult and traumatic for both mother and baby. If the birth is difficult, the labour prolonged, or the baby stuck in the birth canal for many hours, then the shock and trauma absorbed into the system may be immense.
Arrival in the outside world may induce further shock and trauma as the baby emerges suddenly into a busy, brightly lit, and often noisy environment after seclusion in the womb. The process of being washed and weighed and the immediate handling and aftercare of the baby are also a dramatic change from the previous nine months. Ideally every baby should be allowed to come into the world slowly, be placed immediately on the mother’s breast, and allowed to acclimatise gradually to its new environment before being subjected to the less comfortable practical processes of life after birth.
A particularly common cause of shock is the premature cutting of the umbilical cord. The umbilical cord is the lifeline through which the baby has received all its oxygen and nutrition throughout its time in the womb. As the baby emerges into the world, the cord continues to provide these essential nutrients for several minutes after the birth. The sudden severance of this lifeline can come as an unnecessary shock, which is then absorbed into the solar plexus and umbilical areas and manifests as a tension and tightness in the cranio-sacral system around these areas (with consequent effects on the surrounding viscera as already described).
It is also very common to find a profound sense of shock held in the solar plexus of babies born by caesarean section. This shock is incurred at the time of the incision, when the fluid pressure within the womb changes very suddenly, causing both physical and emotional shock to the baby. This frequently manifests as a sense of seizing up throughout the body; as contraction, closing down and tightness in the head, and as tension and tightness in the solar plexus.
In the case of enforced caesarean section, when the baby’s head has been engaged and under pressure for a prolonged and stressful period and subsequently caesarean section is performed out of necessity, then the baby suffers the worst of both worlds. It is subjected both to severe pressures on the cranium and to the shock effects of the caesarean section.
Shock may result from many other physical and emotional causes, including tension picked up from the mother, and other underlving stresses and tensions between the parents, in the environment, or in family relationships in general.
Other conditions
Treatment by cranio-sacral therapy can also be effective for a wide range of other conditions common in childhood: mucus congestion, catarrh, ear, nose and throat problems, constipation and diarrhoea, obsessional behaviour, personality disorders, and tantrums. All these can be related to cranial boric restrictions, as can hyperactivity, head-banging — which is often an attempt by the child to release uncomfortable cranial bone restrictions — and forceful sucking of the thumb and other objects (particularly when pushed hard against the roof of the mouth), which may reflect restriction in the bones of the palate or between the vomer and the sphenoid bone.oid muscle.
by Thomas Atlee
We took Elliot to see dr. sorrel when he was 6 months old because of his birth trauma and we saw a marked difference in his temperment. Here is some information about DOs and cranio sacral therapy.
Doctor of Osteopathy
DOs are licensed for the full practice of medicine and surgery in all 50 states. Osteopaths are completely equivalent to MDs in law and every other aspect. Osteopaths become surgeons and all are able to prescribe controlled medications. Each state determines the tests and procedures for licensing its physicians. In some states, the same tests are given to DOs and MDs; other states administer separate licensing exams.
According to the American Osteopathic Association (AOA), osteopathic medicine is a complete system of healthcare with a philosophy that combines the needs of the patient with the current practice of medicine. Doctors of osteopathic medicine (DOs) practice a whole-person approach, which means they consider both the physical and mental needs of their patients.
A key part of osteopathic medicine is a technique called OMT, or osteopathic manipulative treatment. OMT allows physicians to use their hands as a primary tool to diagnose and treat illness and injury. This form of manual medicine lets DOs examine the back and other parts of the body, such as joints, tendons, ligaments, and muscles, for pain and restriction during motion that could signal an injury or impaired function.
What is Cranio Sacral Therapy?
Cranio-sacral therapy is a comprehensive therapy which can be used effectively for the treatment of many conditions at all ages. It is extremely gentle, non-invasive, and causes no discomfort or disturbance to the client; nor does it have any risks or adverse side effects. It is, for this reason, particularly suitable for the treatment of babies and children.
In treating the cranio-sacral system, the practitioner is seeking out and identifying areas of restriction, compression or tension through the body which may in turn be impeding proper function of organs, muscles, nerves, blood vessels and body tissues in general. These restrictions may be the result of injury, infection, inflammation, erncstional tension or underlying pathologies. They may also be caused by the compressive pressures of the birth process.
How cranio-sacral therapy works
Treatment consists of the practitioner placing his or her hands very gently on the body, identifying the areas of restriction or tension, and following the subtle internal pulls and twists manifested by the cranio-sacral system until points of resistance are encountered and released, thereby enabling the tissues to return to proper healthy futiction. The therapist seeks to restore balance to the cranio-sacral system, thereby enabling it to restore proper function to the affected part of the body.
Treatment is generally soothing, comforting and pleasant, and creates a sense of ease, calmness and well-being. Babies can be treated while cradled in the mother’s arms and even better, while asleep. There is no need to disturb the child by undressing them, since the cranio-sacral patterns can be clearly felt through clothes (or even nappies).
Birth trauma
One area to which cranio-sacral therapy is particularly relevant is birth trauma, the effects of which can cause many common childhood conditions, from minor ailments such as glue car to much more severe disabilities such as spasticity.
During the birth process, the baby’s head is forcefully compressed as it twists through thc narrow birth canal. To allow passage, the cranium of a new-born baby is not a solid, bony structure but a soft membranous balloon, designed to adapt readily and pliably to the rigorous pressures of the birth process.
However, intense compression of this delicate structure over many hours, as is often the case, pushes the bones of the cranium up against each other and distorts the shape of the head. This is normal, and unavoidable, but if any of the cranial bones remain at all distorted, or if they fail to release completely, the distortions may prevent the proper formation of the skull, and thereby affect development of the brain or impinge on associated structures such as nerves and blood vessels.
The body’s inherent self-healing powers are usually able to remould the compressed cranium back into its normal shape. However this innate remoulding is not always completely successful; and the degree to which the restrictions and compressions are resolved varies considerably from individual to individual. If the labour has been long and hard, with the baby stuck in the birth canal with its head engaged, the distortions are likely to be more firmly imprinted and less readily resolved by nature. Even where the birth process has been relatively straightforward, restrictions or compressions may persist and these may in turn inhibit full and proper growth and development.
The effects of these cranial bone restrictions will vary considerably. The most severe cases can lead to cerebral palsy, autism, or epilepsy; less severe cases may result in dyslexia, learning difficulties, hyperactivity, and squint. It can also be linked with other minor common childhood complaints, such as allergies and asthma, as well as general health and well-being.
Ear infections
Recurrent ear infections, otitis media, and glue car are very common in early childhood. and are all suitable for treatment by cranio-sacral therapy. They arise from an accunsulation and stagnation of fluids in the middle ear, behind the ear drum, which leads to infection (often recurrent) and could result in partial or even total hearing loss. The stagnation indicates lack of proper drainage from the middle ear of the accumulated fluids, which should normally pass via the eustachian tube (or auditory tube) running from the middle ear to empty into the nasopharyngeal cavity at the back of the mouth.
Constriction of the eustachian tube may occur as a result of compression or distortion during the birth process; blockage of the tube may arise due to the accumulation of mucus. Treatment of the compressions and tensions in the surrounding area by cranio-sacral therapy will generally remove the constrictions, clear the obstruction, and ensure the free drainage of fluids. Successful treatment relieves the immediate symptoms, restores proper hearing, and therefore proper learning and speech development, and reduces the risk of total hearing loss. It can also reduce the need for antibiotics, and the invasive processes of inserting grommets and other ear, nose and throat operations, including tonsillectomy.
Colic
Colic (and associated ailments) is another condition in young babies for which cranio-sacral therapy is appropriate, and for which it has been found to be effective. Classic colic involves prolonged inconsolable screaming for several hours, with no apparent cause, generally in the early evening. Accompanying symptoms include regurgitation of feeds, excessive wind, inability to bring up wind, projectile vomiting, and obvious pain.
To treat most cases of colic or colic-like conditions, the cranio-sacral therapist concentrates on the principal areas: the cranial base and the solar plexus region. The first, the cranial base, concerns the occipital bone and its relationship with the atlas - vertebra (Cl). The cranial base is the area most susceptible to compression and distortion during the birth process, due to its location and the direction of the pressure exerted on this area by the baby’s passage through the birth canal. It is also an area of vital importance to the overall health and functioning of all individuals, as it is close to many other important structures. These include the jugular foramen, a hole in the base of the skull between the occiput and the temporal bones, through which passes the vagus nerve, or nerve X. This provides the main parasympathetic nerve supply to most of the digestive system; its compression can lead to over-stimulation of the nerve, causing persistent spasm of the digestive organs and, consequently, colic.
Shock
It is perhaps often assumed that because babies are not rational or verbal they do not experience shock and trauma in the same way as adults, or to think that a baby going through the natural process of birth and being lovingly cared for should not be experiencing shock and trauma. But the process of birth is itself often difficult and traumatic for both mother and baby. If the birth is difficult, the labour prolonged, or the baby stuck in the birth canal for many hours, then the shock and trauma absorbed into the system may be immense.
Arrival in the outside world may induce further shock and trauma as the baby emerges suddenly into a busy, brightly lit, and often noisy environment after seclusion in the womb. The process of being washed and weighed and the immediate handling and aftercare of the baby are also a dramatic change from the previous nine months. Ideally every baby should be allowed to come into the world slowly, be placed immediately on the mother’s breast, and allowed to acclimatise gradually to its new environment before being subjected to the less comfortable practical processes of life after birth.
A particularly common cause of shock is the premature cutting of the umbilical cord. The umbilical cord is the lifeline through which the baby has received all its oxygen and nutrition throughout its time in the womb. As the baby emerges into the world, the cord continues to provide these essential nutrients for several minutes after the birth. The sudden severance of this lifeline can come as an unnecessary shock, which is then absorbed into the solar plexus and umbilical areas and manifests as a tension and tightness in the cranio-sacral system around these areas (with consequent effects on the surrounding viscera as already described).
It is also very common to find a profound sense of shock held in the solar plexus of babies born by caesarean section. This shock is incurred at the time of the incision, when the fluid pressure within the womb changes very suddenly, causing both physical and emotional shock to the baby. This frequently manifests as a sense of seizing up throughout the body; as contraction, closing down and tightness in the head, and as tension and tightness in the solar plexus.
In the case of enforced caesarean section, when the baby’s head has been engaged and under pressure for a prolonged and stressful period and subsequently caesarean section is performed out of necessity, then the baby suffers the worst of both worlds. It is subjected both to severe pressures on the cranium and to the shock effects of the caesarean section.
Shock may result from many other physical and emotional causes, including tension picked up from the mother, and other underlving stresses and tensions between the parents, in the environment, or in family relationships in general.
Other conditions
Treatment by cranio-sacral therapy can also be effective for a wide range of other conditions common in childhood: mucus congestion, catarrh, ear, nose and throat problems, constipation and diarrhoea, obsessional behaviour, personality disorders, and tantrums. All these can be related to cranial boric restrictions, as can hyperactivity, head-banging — which is often an attempt by the child to release uncomfortable cranial bone restrictions — and forceful sucking of the thumb and other objects (particularly when pushed hard against the roof of the mouth), which may reflect restriction in the bones of the palate or between the vomer and the sphenoid bone.oid muscle.
by Thomas Atlee
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Our Beloved Arians
Some astrological profiles really are spot on. I can see many of these characteristics in Elliot and myself.
- Dynamic and quick-witted (?)
- Adventurous and energetic
- Pioneering and courageous
- Enthusiastic and confident (?)
- Selfish and quick-tempered
- Impulsive and impatient
- Foolhardy and daredevil (?)
It is preferable to be aware of your pioneering spirit and not disregard it. For in acknowledging it you not only enjoy life more, but you avoid being pushed around by others. Your nature is usually push or be pushed, with little middle ground. This can at times be objectionable to others, but you must have the freedom to act, rather then just thinking about it, getting pent-up in the process. At all costs you need to avoid negative emotions such as resentment, regret and self-pity, for they would deny you what is essential to your nature: straightforwardness.
Lost Causes
Mentally Arians are intellectual and objective, but can be in rare situations bigoted and extremist in religion and politics. They are good champions of lost causes and last-ditch resistance. They are quick-witted but sometimes foolhardy and over optimistic, lacking thoroughness and the ability to evaluate difficulties in the undertakings into which they often rush impulsively. The great need of Aries natives is to exercise an iron self-control, to discipline the qualities and tendencies of their character to the advantage, not the detriment, of the society in which they move.
A Call to Action
As an Arian, you like a challenge that will stir you to action. This challenge may just be frustration; or at a more controlled level, you may have clear direction and know what or whom you're fighting for. If your direction is not clear, then ask yourself and listen to your inner voice. You will come up with an answer. An Arian without a direction in which to go, or a without a cause to fight for, would be against your nature and make you more a "sheep" then a ram!
Natural Leader - Forceful
Arian, do not be afraid to be forceful, for this is the very core of your nature. If you feel fear in your heart, then look for a history of negative events in you personal history, such as violence or abuse from others. Being fearful may also indicate a household in childhood that negated independence and personal initiative in you. This could have inhibited your natural urge to go forward into life as the leader and champion you were born to be. Conversely, such bad influences could also have led you to be overly forceful, or to be unsympathetic to your own need and sensitivity.
Adventurous
You make good athletes and climbers, doctors, explorers (of new ideas as well as uncharted territory, the latter in these days including adventuring into outer space), soldiers, sailors and airmen, and leaders, though awkward subordinates, in industry and politics.
Entangled in Something Larger + More Powerful Than Yoursel
Much as you are the Ram, there is still the little lamb in you, which means that at times you would attain your goals more easily by gently giving in without resistance to the demands of a given social situation, rather than getting your horns entangled in something larger and more powerful than yourself. This is a talent akin to knowing the difference between what you can change, and what you cannot. This of course takes patience, the acquiring of which is definitely your greatest achievement, along with your sense of your own inner softness.
Head + Brain
Aries governs the head and brain, and Arians are said to be prone to headaches, particularly migraines, sunstroke, neuralgia and depression. Indigestion and nervous disorders are also threats to you, and your rashness, impetuosity and wholesale physical commitment make you liable to accidents and physical injuries.
Extremes
You like extremes. Physical, emotional and mental, and benefit profoundly by experiencing them; but if your extremism goes too far beyond social acceptability, then expect to be extremely lonely.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
April 5th - Day of Consequence
Those born on April 5 have the ability to succeed in life and the tenacity to hang in there. Possessed of star quality, they present a composed and self-confident image without appearing overly egotistical. In like manner, they themselves are often teaken up with the appearnace of things rather than examining them deeply. Most often they pursue one profession, one set of principles, one stream of thought right through life. April 5 people seek appreciation, as those with star quality do, but survive without it, persisting in endeavors whether others are paying heed or not. No matter what is going on around them, they can bring tremendeous powers of concentration to bear on the matter at hand.
It is hard to imagine calling people with this kind of star quality modest, but in fact April 5 people are. They are most comfortable playing the part of an unassuming, regular guy or girl. Of course, for those born on this day who are exceptionally gifted, this is consumate play-acting. Yet April 5 people do not react well to being analyzed, probed or found out. As far as they are concerened the part they are playing is what they truly are - they do not want anyone to dig any deeper.
It is hard to imagine calling people with this kind of star quality modest, but in fact April 5 people are. They are most comfortable playing the part of an unassuming, regular guy or girl. Of course, for those born on this day who are exceptionally gifted, this is consumate play-acting. Yet April 5 people do not react well to being analyzed, probed or found out. As far as they are concerened the part they are playing is what they truly are - they do not want anyone to dig any deeper.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
The Dark of the Scary Night - Addendum
There was a wizard that was rich and he had gold and then a robot came to town. The robot got the wizard because the wizard was bad. The wizard was stealing the gold from Aikendrum and his family.
The wizard's name was Meatball. Meatball is a boy who is 20 years old. He stole gold from Aikendrum because he wanted to be rich. He will use the gold to buy gold, gold and money. He will spend the gold on everything.
He SNUCK up and he GOT the gold and he STOLE it. Then, he got really fast and he put it all in a big bowl and he had it. He got this gold a couple of years ago.
This happened before Litterhead. Meatball fought Aikendrum with a monster. It had TWO GIANT CLAWS and a big, ugly face. The monster's name was Randall. He was Meatball's pet. Randall wanted the whole world to be HIS, so he was fighting. Then, the monster got the kids but fell down. He fell off a ledge and deep into the sea. Randall just floated away to an island with just junk. The island was called A-Small-Island-With-Junk-On-It.
Randall saw a pirate sitting there. The pirate sliced Randall up with his knife. Then, a dragon came and fought with Yakami. The pirate sailed away. Some taped Randall back together, and he ran and he swam fast and he got back to where his place was. Meatball felt happy.
Elliot Bremson
3.16.06
The wizard's name was Meatball. Meatball is a boy who is 20 years old. He stole gold from Aikendrum because he wanted to be rich. He will use the gold to buy gold, gold and money. He will spend the gold on everything.
He SNUCK up and he GOT the gold and he STOLE it. Then, he got really fast and he put it all in a big bowl and he had it. He got this gold a couple of years ago.
This happened before Litterhead. Meatball fought Aikendrum with a monster. It had TWO GIANT CLAWS and a big, ugly face. The monster's name was Randall. He was Meatball's pet. Randall wanted the whole world to be HIS, so he was fighting. Then, the monster got the kids but fell down. He fell off a ledge and deep into the sea. Randall just floated away to an island with just junk. The island was called A-Small-Island-With-Junk-On-It.
Randall saw a pirate sitting there. The pirate sliced Randall up with his knife. Then, a dragon came and fought with Yakami. The pirate sailed away. Some taped Randall back together, and he ran and he swam fast and he got back to where his place was. Meatball felt happy.
Elliot Bremson
3.16.06
superhero camp
I want to send Elliot to super hero camp this summer. It sounds right up his alley.August 7th-11th, ½ day 9:00-12:00 $140.00
This is mission control: Calling all heroes and heroines, the world needs you! Display your amazing feats of super strength. Leap, fly, transport and transform! Develop your secret senses and discover your inner powers. Face great dangers, carry out magnificent rescues, perform fantastic acts of kindness, and SAVE THE DAY!!! Young heroes will explore imaginative scenarios together, through dress-up, character development, storytelling, prop making, creative movement, and improv!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
All About Asher
Most Frequently Used Words - insight into asher's world
granos
open this please
hungry now
I hungry
truck
stop it
move away
grandma judy
Vitamin
read book
apple
firetruck
It tastes good.
I thirsty.
juice
water
It's good.
I happy
I hungry now.
Elliot
poop
poopoo
penis
bubble, bubble splash
car
blankie
binky
Quotes
Waking up at 6:30 in the morning asher popped up in bed singing "Batmaaan."
Asher pointed to a photo of charlene titlon in dallas with jessica simpson's face pasted over, he said, "Judy, Grandma Judy." I asked Elliot who he was talking about and elliot pointed to jessica simpson.
On the phone to lisa gold: "Hallo. I'm Elliot"
Asher's favorite foods
peas
turkey hot dogs
granola
apples
asher walks like a bubble man
a wide, gummy smile
granos
open this please
hungry now
I hungry
truck
stop it
move away
grandma judy
Vitamin
read book
apple
firetruck
It tastes good.
I thirsty.
juice
water
It's good.
I happy
I hungry now.
Elliot
poop
poopoo
penis
bubble, bubble splash
car
blankie
binky
Quotes
Waking up at 6:30 in the morning asher popped up in bed singing "Batmaaan."
Asher pointed to a photo of charlene titlon in dallas with jessica simpson's face pasted over, he said, "Judy, Grandma Judy." I asked Elliot who he was talking about and elliot pointed to jessica simpson.
On the phone to lisa gold: "Hallo. I'm Elliot"
Asher's favorite foods
peas
turkey hot dogs
granola
apples
asher walks like a bubble man
a wide, gummy smile
Saturday, March 25, 2006
car accident. fender bender.
we got in a car accident on tuesday march 20th. both kids were in the car. an suv hit the volvo station wagon on the right passenger side wheel well. I was at fault. yield to the right. I thought the car was yielding to me, he was back and I was already in the intersection. I'm going to fight the ticket. request a magistrate hearing. elliot was brave. asher cried a lot. he kept running away into the street. it was raining. glass and pieces of car all over the place.
elliot quotes
when given the choice between watching fiddler on the roof or sponge bob, elliot chooses fiddler on the roof.
today elliot got dressed all by himself. he chose his rock start someday shirt and jeans. then put on a backward nascar baseball hat and sunglasses. he had a carefully crafted look.
Elliot's Alter Egos:
Ed Bupkin.
Elliot Wormslyde.
"I don't like hot dogs, they make my heart break apart and set it on fire"
march 2006
what would you say to martin luther king if he showed up at our school?
"what the heck, I thought you were dead."
january 2006
"I'm going to be 5 in april. the more I talk about it the longer it takes"
january 2006
Elliot to grandma judy:
"As a general rule, it's better not to tip toe in your slippers."
October 2005
When geoffrey giraffe asked elliot if he wanted a cup cake they were giving out free at toys are us, he said, "No thank you. I've already had enough sugar today."
September 2005
When elliot asked danny if he would move over while we were sitting on the couch, danny said "what are you going to do for me?" Elliot said,
"I'll keep your name alive after you leave this earth."
december 2005
in the hot tub in hawaii:
man "We're from Walla-Walla"
woman "We live in west seattle"
woman #2 "We're from Vancouver"
elliot "I'm from candyland"
december 2005
"I know what I'm going to get you for mother's day. I'm going to get you an adult dvd."
may 2005
it's not art deco it's dirty.
no we're leaving, come on kids.
mommy I need sunglasses my eyes are cold.
Bye see you next hannukah. Those uncles are much cooler than I thought it would be.
just say I'm sorry, it makes her feel better. try it. I do it.
It's winky. (elliot language)
Sunday, March 19, 2006
dwell. nest. house.
products I love
Kirei sorghum wood substitute
Ikea has good looking kitchen cabinets.
Toto toil
et.
Square tub and square basin.
Eames molded plywood chair.
No shower curtain or glass doors.
A glass door for all three new rooms.
Slate floors.
I like this bathroom >>>>>>>>
Kirei sorghum wood substitute
Ikea has good looking kitchen cabinets.
Toto toil
et.Square tub and square basin.
Eames molded plywood chair.
No shower curtain or glass doors.
A glass door for all three new rooms.
Slate floors.
I like this bathroom >>>>>>>>
The Dark of the Scary Night - The Opening Night Performance
Elliot was very excited, shy and hammy at once. The first play, "The Evil Quincidis" was written by Perri Lancaster, age 4. Elliot subbed for a child who was stuck on the ballard bridge. Wearing a green cape, he streaked across the stage, slid on the floor and made silly faces. The evil quincidis was faith frederick, wearing a princess gown and a paper crown. She was evil and then turned into a good princess by the hero.
Elliot's play, "The Dark of the Scary Night" had little dialogue. It was much longer than the other plays and had many characters. Alicia was the "teacher-prompter" feeding the kids lines, but only a few of the kids said their lines. Elliot was "Aikendrum, our hero" and Ben Walker was "Captain Birdspeed." Many events transpired. I cannot give a plot synopsis, I'll have to wait for the transcript and recording. Asher was screaming and danny left with him. Elliot was embarrased when the spotlight was on him, he made silly faces, said, "aaaaghhh" and then ran off the stage. Jackson Lancaster ran after Elliot. They chased each other through the audience. The play ended.
I noticed that the plays all had monsters, evil things, polar opposites. Conquering their fears. Bolstering their egos, showing strength. Discerning what's right from wrong. Consequences. Testing out theories of the world. Money was a big theme.
Elliot's play, "The Dark of the Scary Night" had little dialogue. It was much longer than the other plays and had many characters. Alicia was the "teacher-prompter" feeding the kids lines, but only a few of the kids said their lines. Elliot was "Aikendrum, our hero" and Ben Walker was "Captain Birdspeed." Many events transpired. I cannot give a plot synopsis, I'll have to wait for the transcript and recording. Asher was screaming and danny left with him. Elliot was embarrased when the spotlight was on him, he made silly faces, said, "aaaaghhh" and then ran off the stage. Jackson Lancaster ran after Elliot. They chased each other through the audience. The play ended.
I noticed that the plays all had monsters, evil things, polar opposites. Conquering their fears. Bolstering their egos, showing strength. Discerning what's right from wrong. Consequences. Testing out theories of the world. Money was a big theme.
The Dark of the Scary Night - A Fairy Tale
Protagonist: Someone who fights sea monsters. He is a hero of the sea. He drives race boats and cars and planes. His name is Aikendrum.
Antagonist: A person who pays bad taxes and throws bombs. A boy... no a man. About 300 years old. His name is Litterhead.
Setting: An island called The Land of Japan. A city.
Originally performed with the following cast:
(in order of appearance)
Freddie the Dog - Jackson Lancaster
Litterhead - Perri Lancaster
Little Captured Boy - Sean McCarthy
Aikendrum - Elliot Bremson
Land of Japan Police Department - Kyle Petrie
Captain Birdspeed, who lives in the control tower - Ben Walker
Little Captured Boy's Worried Mommy - Faith Frederick
Once upon a time, there was a dog who lived in a very happy house. His name was Freddie. He liked to chew bones and play fetch. He belonged to a super villain named Litterhead.
Litterhead's house is a workshop. He takes little boys and puts them on the shelves, and then he puts them into a big pot of stew to eat them up for dinner. He does that because he doesn't have anything else to eat at home! In his workshop he builds the Great Wall of China, and if someone comes into his workshop, they'll be cut up with knives. Sometimes, he wanted to be good, but he just kept being bad ALL THE TIME! He wanted to make people happy, but he thought they wouldn't be happy if their children died. He was confused.
Aikendrum lived in a big gigantic superfast jet plane. He fights crime ALL DAY. He fights it with laser beams. First, the laser beams get close and the bad guys run away. Then, the laser turns into a crystal, and the bad guy is stuck. The police come and take the bad guy and wrap a bunch of metal around him, and they take him to a place called, Bad Guy Land, where he could be where his family was, but never came back again. Aikendrum ALWAYS wins races. He likes helping people. He's the good guy.
One day Captain Birdspeed (who lives in the control tower) came to Aikendrum's door, and left a message on his voicemail. The message said, "Please put 100 laser beams on Litterhead! He is eating more children and soon the city will be gone!"
Aikendrum sneaked up to Litterhead's workshop. He saw that Litterhead was going to eat more children! Aikendrum shot laser beams at the workshop, and it was frozen into a crystal. Even Litterhead was frozen! The little boys were okay - they jumped out the window. They said, "Thank you! I would be gobbled up by the big giant bad guy! Thank you!" Then they all loved Aikendrum. The little boys' mommies said, "Thank You!" and gave Aikendrum a whole bunch of hugs. Freddie was also ok. He went to live on Aikendrum's plane. He liked it. He barked at crime to scare it away.
Litterhead stayed frozen in his workshop for about 100 weeks. When he came out, the police took off his mask and saw he was just a regular person pretending to be a bad guy. He went to jail for about 107 weeks. Then he came out and he was STILL mean, so the police put him in a zoo car and took him to the animal place. He never got free again.
The End
(That's the whole story)
by Elliot Bremson
2.13.06
Antagonist: A person who pays bad taxes and throws bombs. A boy... no a man. About 300 years old. His name is Litterhead.
Setting: An island called The Land of Japan. A city.
Originally performed with the following cast:
(in order of appearance)
Freddie the Dog - Jackson Lancaster
Litterhead - Perri Lancaster
Little Captured Boy - Sean McCarthy
Aikendrum - Elliot Bremson
Land of Japan Police Department - Kyle Petrie
Captain Birdspeed, who lives in the control tower - Ben Walker
Little Captured Boy's Worried Mommy - Faith Frederick
Once upon a time, there was a dog who lived in a very happy house. His name was Freddie. He liked to chew bones and play fetch. He belonged to a super villain named Litterhead.
Litterhead's house is a workshop. He takes little boys and puts them on the shelves, and then he puts them into a big pot of stew to eat them up for dinner. He does that because he doesn't have anything else to eat at home! In his workshop he builds the Great Wall of China, and if someone comes into his workshop, they'll be cut up with knives. Sometimes, he wanted to be good, but he just kept being bad ALL THE TIME! He wanted to make people happy, but he thought they wouldn't be happy if their children died. He was confused.
Aikendrum lived in a big gigantic superfast jet plane. He fights crime ALL DAY. He fights it with laser beams. First, the laser beams get close and the bad guys run away. Then, the laser turns into a crystal, and the bad guy is stuck. The police come and take the bad guy and wrap a bunch of metal around him, and they take him to a place called, Bad Guy Land, where he could be where his family was, but never came back again. Aikendrum ALWAYS wins races. He likes helping people. He's the good guy.
One day Captain Birdspeed (who lives in the control tower) came to Aikendrum's door, and left a message on his voicemail. The message said, "Please put 100 laser beams on Litterhead! He is eating more children and soon the city will be gone!"
Aikendrum sneaked up to Litterhead's workshop. He saw that Litterhead was going to eat more children! Aikendrum shot laser beams at the workshop, and it was frozen into a crystal. Even Litterhead was frozen! The little boys were okay - they jumped out the window. They said, "Thank you! I would be gobbled up by the big giant bad guy! Thank you!" Then they all loved Aikendrum. The little boys' mommies said, "Thank You!" and gave Aikendrum a whole bunch of hugs. Freddie was also ok. He went to live on Aikendrum's plane. He liked it. He barked at crime to scare it away.
Litterhead stayed frozen in his workshop for about 100 weeks. When he came out, the police took off his mask and saw he was just a regular person pretending to be a bad guy. He went to jail for about 107 weeks. Then he came out and he was STILL mean, so the police put him in a zoo car and took him to the animal place. He never got free again.
The End
(That's the whole story)
by Elliot Bremson
2.13.06
A Haunted House on Hallloween
First there was a scary witch who had green hair and ugly black clothes. She had an evil laugh. The witch was going to eat her green stew.
A man walked by her house. He liked her house because it had a mouse on it and broken windows. The windows were hanging down. She didn't take care of her flowers.
The man knocked on her door. He said, "trick or treat." The witch said, "Come inside, I'll give you my best candy." The man ran away.
She ate the stew all by herself. That night she dreamed that she knocked on the man's door, and he gave her candy.
by Elliot Bremson
1/18/06
A man walked by her house. He liked her house because it had a mouse on it and broken windows. The windows were hanging down. She didn't take care of her flowers.
The man knocked on her door. He said, "trick or treat." The witch said, "Come inside, I'll give you my best candy." The man ran away.
She ate the stew all by herself. That night she dreamed that she knocked on the man's door, and he gave her candy.
by Elliot Bremson
1/18/06
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Sibling relationships
SIBLING RIVALRY vs. SIBLING CONFLICT: A SIBLING’S BILL OF RIGHTS
Deborah Woolley, MSW
Parent Education Instructor, North Seattle Community College
Mention “sibling” and what comes to mind? – “Sibling rivalry.” And when we hear “sibling rivalry,” what do we usually think of? Sibling conflict. Sibling rivalry seems to equate in our minds with sibling conflict.
It’s perfectly understandable that we focus on the conflict aspect of sibling rivalry. In my experience working with co-op parents, sibling conflict is one of the top most troubling issues for parents. It’s painful to watch our kids bickering, shouting at each other, or, worse, physically attacking each other. To see our firstborn shove our new baby is to experience a rush of primal fear and rage that is startling, even terrifying in its intensity. Sibling conflict makes us anxious (Are they going to hurt each other?), it makes us angry (Why do they do keep doing this?), it makes us worry about their inborn nature (Is there something wrong with them?), it’s yet another potential source of parental guilt (What have I done or not done to cause this?), and it flies in the face of what is for many parents a fundamental reason for having more than one child (I want my kids to be close, to have each other when we’re gone, to be friends for life). We panic and want to find some way to STOP it.
Yet sibling conflict is, as we all know, to be expected. It’s the developmentally normal result of a lack of social skills and relationship skills, skills which are not innate but have to be learned. Parents teach these skills by viewing sibling conflicts as “teachable moments” and intervening to model and teach skills like turn-taking, asking, being assertive, expressing appreciation, trading, negotiating, self-calming, problem-solving, and so on. In preschoolers, sibling conflicts are also the result of immature nervous systems: it takes years to develop the neurological as well as behavioral capacity to control impulses, to feel an emotion without acting on it, and to think while feeling strong emotions.
But sibling conflict is about more than a lack of relationship skills, impulse control, and management of emotions; it’s also about actual rivalry. Rivalry for space (“She got in my way!”) and for things (“He took the dumptruck and I wanted it!”), but more importantly, rivalry for the most important resource of all – you. Your time, your attention, your love. One reason we may focus more on the conflict dimension of sibling rivalry rather than this competitive aspect is that we know we love each of our kids fully, wholly –and yes, equally (even though one may be “easier” to love than another because of temperament or other factors). It doesn’t even occur to us that they could be feeling we love them less than their sibling. It seems to us that there’s no need for any rivalry; there’s plenty of love to go around. Yet I always remember the analogy Penelope Leach uses in Your Baby and Child when discussing a sibling’s feelings about a new baby brother or sister. Imagine, she says, that your spouse said, “I love you so much that I’ve decided we’re going to add another one just like you to our family!” One could predict there’d be a certain amount of conflict between you and this new wife/husband; and the conflict would not be based on a lack of social skills but on rivalry for your spouse’s time, attention, and love.
So I want to offer a few suggestions about what parents can do to reduce the rivalry between siblings. I’m calling these “rights” to emphasize how it feels to the child.
The right to their own space. This is about identity, having a separate identity that is recognized and respected. Rivalry increases when a child feels that parents don’t value them as separate, unique selves. So it’s important for siblings to have a private space where they can keep their own possessions and store their own creations. It’s not just about a space for keeping one’s possessions and creations safe, it’s also about having a private space to retreat to for self-soothing or simply to get away.
Private space need not mean a bedroom of one’s own; my kids shared a room for four years because I thought it would strengthen their relationship (and it did). But they each had their own bed, their own shelf, their own storage space. A private play space might be one corner of the dining room walled off by a screen, a treehouse, a tent in the basement. I’ve heard of one family using an old playpen as a space where the older sibling could play with his Legos without having to worry about a young toddler’s intrusions.
The right to their own “stuff.” Again, this is about parents recognizing and respecting each child’s separate identity. We want our kids to learn to share, certainly, and sibling interactions provide the perfect opportunity. Because this is such an important value to us, we may treat everything in the house – toys, equipment, etc. – as common property, to be shared. But how would you feel if all your personal possessions were up for grabs (literally) -- especially if they were being used by people who might inadvertently (or purposefully) destroy, misplace, misuse them?
So there can be “family things”, with the expectation that we share these things, and personal “stuff” that belong to each child separately (including the baby!). Family things provide the opportunity for learning to take turns and share; having things of one’s own provides the opportunity for developing responsibility for possessions and teaches the sibling respect for others’ property. And when a child knows she has things that belong just to her, things that her parents will help keep safe against a sibling’s takeovers, there’s a feeling of security that helps decrease sibling rivalry.
The right to an identity of their own, apart from their sibling. We all have known or seen twins who are always together – and we’re aware that, cute and convenient as this is, it has a definite downside in terms of identity development. It’s less likely with siblings who are different ages, but we still can make the assumption that they’ll like the same things, disregarding the distinct interests and talents and traits that make them uniquely who they are.
Or we may focus more on their differences, labeling them in our minds or to others as “the [fill in trait, ability, or interest] one”: he’s the intense one, she’s the calm one; he’s the musical one, she’s good at sports. If Colin learns to throw a ball earlier than Robin did, but Robin shows an interest in music at an earlier age, then Colin becomes labeled as the “sports” sibling and Robin as the “musical” one; and we may not take Robin out to kick around a soccer ball as often and it may not occur to us to sign Colin up for piano lessons. But what if Colin is interested in music, and Robin also loves sports? They each deserve to be given opportunities for pursuing their interest in music and sports, and not to have to forego it because that’s their sibling’s turf.
It’s natural and probably inevitable to compare our kids, of course. But we need to keep trying to really SEE them as individuals in their own right so that we nurture that individuality
The right to their own developmental timetable, including regressions. A common attitude with firstborns is expecting them to be “older” or more mature than we would expect them to be if they weren’t an older sibling – the baby arrives and suddenly the firstborn has to be a “big” brother or sister. But what about the need to regress sometimes? Development involves leaps forward and regression backward. Conversely, we may tend to treat younger siblings as if they were less capable than they are or could be if we gave them the opportunity. Children deserve the freedom to grow and change at their own pace, not be subject to expectations based on their position relative to their sibling.
The right to private time with each parent. If the most important “resource” that siblings compete for is parental attention (read, “love”), then that time before the sibling arrived must seem like a sort of golden age . . . when s/he had exclusive rights to that most precious resource Once a younger sibling comes along, that one-on-one time typically disappears – until it occurs to parents that some of the conflict they’re seeing is due to the decrease in their availability. The older sibling gets less attention and less time, concludes that s/he’s not loved as much as before, and starts treating the baby as a rival. Another common pattern is for Dad (or parent 2) to take charge of the older sibling while Mom (or parent #1) takes care of the new baby. This is great for the older sib’s sense of being loved and valued by parent #2, but can create a feeling of being no longer valued by parent #1 – and also creates resentment of the baby, leading to acting out in various forms.
Usually parents anticipate and notice the signs of the older sibling’s distress at being displaced by a new baby. I’ve been asked more times than I can count how to deal with an older sibling’s aggression against the baby, and my suggestion always is: Arrange to spend some one-on-one time with your firstborn. If possible, make it a regular thing – e.g., every Wednesday afternoon for a couple of hours, every night for a half hour after Dad gets home – and, if the child is three or older, talk it up in advance. Having a regular “dose” of your exclusive attention will go a long ways to reducing rivalry.
The dynamics are no different once babyhood is past. Having to always share your parent with your sibling(s) can create resentment. Spending time with each child individually – going to a park together, playing a game, doing an art project– gives the child a feeling of being valued, of parents being really interested in him/her; it’s a self-esteem builder, and it reassures the child that there’s plenty of parental love to go around.
The right to time with parents as a couple. There’s something about that triad of two parents and child. Before the sibling(s) entered the picture, this was reality for the first child. Suddenly it’s gone; the baby’s always around, that invader of the cherished space.
So if we can recreate, from time to time, that exclusive relationship, our firstborn will feel more secure
And what about that younger sibling(s) who never had that exclusive relationship with the parents as a couple? Might they not envy the older sib? So giving each child some solo time with the parents-as-a-couple, from time to time, helps with the rivalry. It’s surprising what this yields – for the child, a sense of specialness that equals (in his or her eyes) the sibling’s; for the parents, getting re-acquainted with the child seeing them for who they are in themselves, not in relation to their sibling(s). If you’ve never done this, try it for the sake of your own relationships with your kids.
Respect for these “rights” – even if we can act on it only some of the time – will give each sibling a stronger sense of self and a stronger relationship with us. With that foundation, they’re less likely to feel like rivals for our attention, our time, and our respect. And with less sibling rivalry, there’s likely to be less sibling conflict.
Beyond decreasing their rivalry, what else can we do to cultivate siblings’ relationship with each other? Here are a few ideas.
Suggestions for cultivating the sibling relationship:
Suggestions for helping an older sibling cope with a new baby in the family:
Finally, have fun with them together! Let other things slide so that you can enjoy being together. And show your pleasure. There’s no better way to help them enjoy each other.
Books on this subject:
Jean Illsley Clarke, Self-Esteem: A Family Affair.
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlisch, Siblings without Rivalry.
Elizabeth Crary, Help, The Kids Are At It Again.
Deborah Woolley, MSW
Parent Education Instructor, North Seattle Community College
Mention “sibling” and what comes to mind? – “Sibling rivalry.” And when we hear “sibling rivalry,” what do we usually think of? Sibling conflict. Sibling rivalry seems to equate in our minds with sibling conflict.
It’s perfectly understandable that we focus on the conflict aspect of sibling rivalry. In my experience working with co-op parents, sibling conflict is one of the top most troubling issues for parents. It’s painful to watch our kids bickering, shouting at each other, or, worse, physically attacking each other. To see our firstborn shove our new baby is to experience a rush of primal fear and rage that is startling, even terrifying in its intensity. Sibling conflict makes us anxious (Are they going to hurt each other?), it makes us angry (Why do they do keep doing this?), it makes us worry about their inborn nature (Is there something wrong with them?), it’s yet another potential source of parental guilt (What have I done or not done to cause this?), and it flies in the face of what is for many parents a fundamental reason for having more than one child (I want my kids to be close, to have each other when we’re gone, to be friends for life). We panic and want to find some way to STOP it.
Yet sibling conflict is, as we all know, to be expected. It’s the developmentally normal result of a lack of social skills and relationship skills, skills which are not innate but have to be learned. Parents teach these skills by viewing sibling conflicts as “teachable moments” and intervening to model and teach skills like turn-taking, asking, being assertive, expressing appreciation, trading, negotiating, self-calming, problem-solving, and so on. In preschoolers, sibling conflicts are also the result of immature nervous systems: it takes years to develop the neurological as well as behavioral capacity to control impulses, to feel an emotion without acting on it, and to think while feeling strong emotions.
But sibling conflict is about more than a lack of relationship skills, impulse control, and management of emotions; it’s also about actual rivalry. Rivalry for space (“She got in my way!”) and for things (“He took the dumptruck and I wanted it!”), but more importantly, rivalry for the most important resource of all – you. Your time, your attention, your love. One reason we may focus more on the conflict dimension of sibling rivalry rather than this competitive aspect is that we know we love each of our kids fully, wholly –and yes, equally (even though one may be “easier” to love than another because of temperament or other factors). It doesn’t even occur to us that they could be feeling we love them less than their sibling. It seems to us that there’s no need for any rivalry; there’s plenty of love to go around. Yet I always remember the analogy Penelope Leach uses in Your Baby and Child when discussing a sibling’s feelings about a new baby brother or sister. Imagine, she says, that your spouse said, “I love you so much that I’ve decided we’re going to add another one just like you to our family!” One could predict there’d be a certain amount of conflict between you and this new wife/husband; and the conflict would not be based on a lack of social skills but on rivalry for your spouse’s time, attention, and love.
So I want to offer a few suggestions about what parents can do to reduce the rivalry between siblings. I’m calling these “rights” to emphasize how it feels to the child.
The right to their own space. This is about identity, having a separate identity that is recognized and respected. Rivalry increases when a child feels that parents don’t value them as separate, unique selves. So it’s important for siblings to have a private space where they can keep their own possessions and store their own creations. It’s not just about a space for keeping one’s possessions and creations safe, it’s also about having a private space to retreat to for self-soothing or simply to get away.
Private space need not mean a bedroom of one’s own; my kids shared a room for four years because I thought it would strengthen their relationship (and it did). But they each had their own bed, their own shelf, their own storage space. A private play space might be one corner of the dining room walled off by a screen, a treehouse, a tent in the basement. I’ve heard of one family using an old playpen as a space where the older sibling could play with his Legos without having to worry about a young toddler’s intrusions.
The right to their own “stuff.” Again, this is about parents recognizing and respecting each child’s separate identity. We want our kids to learn to share, certainly, and sibling interactions provide the perfect opportunity. Because this is such an important value to us, we may treat everything in the house – toys, equipment, etc. – as common property, to be shared. But how would you feel if all your personal possessions were up for grabs (literally) -- especially if they were being used by people who might inadvertently (or purposefully) destroy, misplace, misuse them?
So there can be “family things”, with the expectation that we share these things, and personal “stuff” that belong to each child separately (including the baby!). Family things provide the opportunity for learning to take turns and share; having things of one’s own provides the opportunity for developing responsibility for possessions and teaches the sibling respect for others’ property. And when a child knows she has things that belong just to her, things that her parents will help keep safe against a sibling’s takeovers, there’s a feeling of security that helps decrease sibling rivalry.
The right to an identity of their own, apart from their sibling. We all have known or seen twins who are always together – and we’re aware that, cute and convenient as this is, it has a definite downside in terms of identity development. It’s less likely with siblings who are different ages, but we still can make the assumption that they’ll like the same things, disregarding the distinct interests and talents and traits that make them uniquely who they are.
Or we may focus more on their differences, labeling them in our minds or to others as “the [fill in trait, ability, or interest] one”: he’s the intense one, she’s the calm one; he’s the musical one, she’s good at sports. If Colin learns to throw a ball earlier than Robin did, but Robin shows an interest in music at an earlier age, then Colin becomes labeled as the “sports” sibling and Robin as the “musical” one; and we may not take Robin out to kick around a soccer ball as often and it may not occur to us to sign Colin up for piano lessons. But what if Colin is interested in music, and Robin also loves sports? They each deserve to be given opportunities for pursuing their interest in music and sports, and not to have to forego it because that’s their sibling’s turf.
It’s natural and probably inevitable to compare our kids, of course. But we need to keep trying to really SEE them as individuals in their own right so that we nurture that individuality
The right to their own developmental timetable, including regressions. A common attitude with firstborns is expecting them to be “older” or more mature than we would expect them to be if they weren’t an older sibling – the baby arrives and suddenly the firstborn has to be a “big” brother or sister. But what about the need to regress sometimes? Development involves leaps forward and regression backward. Conversely, we may tend to treat younger siblings as if they were less capable than they are or could be if we gave them the opportunity. Children deserve the freedom to grow and change at their own pace, not be subject to expectations based on their position relative to their sibling.
The right to private time with each parent. If the most important “resource” that siblings compete for is parental attention (read, “love”), then that time before the sibling arrived must seem like a sort of golden age . . . when s/he had exclusive rights to that most precious resource Once a younger sibling comes along, that one-on-one time typically disappears – until it occurs to parents that some of the conflict they’re seeing is due to the decrease in their availability. The older sibling gets less attention and less time, concludes that s/he’s not loved as much as before, and starts treating the baby as a rival. Another common pattern is for Dad (or parent 2) to take charge of the older sibling while Mom (or parent #1) takes care of the new baby. This is great for the older sib’s sense of being loved and valued by parent #2, but can create a feeling of being no longer valued by parent #1 – and also creates resentment of the baby, leading to acting out in various forms.
Usually parents anticipate and notice the signs of the older sibling’s distress at being displaced by a new baby. I’ve been asked more times than I can count how to deal with an older sibling’s aggression against the baby, and my suggestion always is: Arrange to spend some one-on-one time with your firstborn. If possible, make it a regular thing – e.g., every Wednesday afternoon for a couple of hours, every night for a half hour after Dad gets home – and, if the child is three or older, talk it up in advance. Having a regular “dose” of your exclusive attention will go a long ways to reducing rivalry.
The dynamics are no different once babyhood is past. Having to always share your parent with your sibling(s) can create resentment. Spending time with each child individually – going to a park together, playing a game, doing an art project– gives the child a feeling of being valued, of parents being really interested in him/her; it’s a self-esteem builder, and it reassures the child that there’s plenty of parental love to go around.
The right to time with parents as a couple. There’s something about that triad of two parents and child. Before the sibling(s) entered the picture, this was reality for the first child. Suddenly it’s gone; the baby’s always around, that invader of the cherished space.
So if we can recreate, from time to time, that exclusive relationship, our firstborn will feel more secure
And what about that younger sibling(s) who never had that exclusive relationship with the parents as a couple? Might they not envy the older sib? So giving each child some solo time with the parents-as-a-couple, from time to time, helps with the rivalry. It’s surprising what this yields – for the child, a sense of specialness that equals (in his or her eyes) the sibling’s; for the parents, getting re-acquainted with the child seeing them for who they are in themselves, not in relation to their sibling(s). If you’ve never done this, try it for the sake of your own relationships with your kids.
Respect for these “rights” – even if we can act on it only some of the time – will give each sibling a stronger sense of self and a stronger relationship with us. With that foundation, they’re less likely to feel like rivals for our attention, our time, and our respect. And with less sibling rivalry, there’s likely to be less sibling conflict.
Beyond decreasing their rivalry, what else can we do to cultivate siblings’ relationship with each other? Here are a few ideas.
Suggestions for cultivating the sibling relationship:
- Get down on the floor and play (or do some shared activity) with both siblings together at least some time each day. As you play, you can model prosocial skills: turntaking, perspective-taking, cooperation, waiting, showing interest in the other’s play, etc.
- Talk to each, separately, about how much the other enjoys them and looks forward to being together.
- Teach the older sibling games/activities that will entertain the younger sib, and reinforce (verbally, with praise/descriptive commenting, and nonverbally, with smiles and interest) the older sib for playing with the younger. Point out the younger sibling’s pleasure and interest in the older sibling view to help build the relationship.
- Talk with the older sibling about child development (in age appropriate language!) to help him/her have patience with the younger sibling’s behavior
- Have play materials on hand that invite “open-ended” activity and can be used by both siblings in different ways according to their developmental level and interests. Make these accessible to both kids
- Sit down as a family and look at photos of the two of them together so they can see the history of their relationship and see your pleasure and delight in their interactions.
- Don’t compare them to each other.
- Don’t “type” or “label” them – either verbally or mentally.
- Strive for “fair,” not “equal”; explain the reasons for treating them differently.
Suggestions for helping an older sibling cope with a new baby in the family:
- Involve the older sib in your activities with the infant – keep them close by when nursing, rocking, etc. Invite them into the circle of care. You might have a basket of “special toys” to be used by the older sib sitting next to you, or “special books.” If you’re doing something with the baby/toddler that makes this impossible, maintain eye contact or verbal contact with the older sibling.
- Give the older sibling chances to help, specific jobs, roles to fill in relation to the infant, so s/he discovers ways to relate other than rivalry. The jobs/help needn’t be work – it could be “showing the baby” something the older sib can do, etc.
- Allow the older sibling to regress, to “be a baby” if s/he wants to. Don’t force the older sib to be a “big boy” or “big girl.”
- Sometimes make the baby/toddler wait while you finish something with your older child, or respond to the older child’s request, etc. “Tell” the baby he has to wait, so that the older sib hears you making her needs a priority.
- Provide outlets for the older sibling’s anger, aggression, and other negative feelings about the younger sibling (books that raise these issues, puppets and dolls that can be used to play out feelings about the baby, games and active play).
- Try to enhance the older sibling’s self-esteem – that sense of being an important part of the family, being capable, being admired by the younger sibling, etc.
- If your older child is three or older, expand their “turf” – cultivate peer relationships, enroll in a music or dance/movement class, go to interesting places in the city. – so that home is not their only sphere.
- From time to time, show the older sibling photos of himself at the same age as the younger sibling. Talk about how he was at that age and how he’s changed. Cuddle and make this a “special time” so he gets a good feeling about both stages of development (about himself and, by extension, about the sibling’s).
Finally, have fun with them together! Let other things slide so that you can enjoy being together. And show your pleasure. There’s no better way to help them enjoy each other.
Books on this subject:
Jean Illsley Clarke, Self-Esteem: A Family Affair.
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlisch, Siblings without Rivalry.
Elizabeth Crary, Help, The Kids Are At It Again.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Indigo Theory
In late January, Dan and I were watching Walk the Line at the Neptune theater. A fire alarm went off and we evacuated the theater. There were 200 people spilling onto the street and sidewalk in the rain. Theaters aren't this packed on a Sunday night, it was a strange scene. We found out that most of the people there were waiting to see Indigo Evolution. A new age movie about a new supernaturally gifted children that are the next wave of evolution.
Born with a feeling of royalty, indigos will not respond to authority or any form of discipline based in guilt, fear or manipulation. Most cannot function in traditional school systems, not because they have ADD but because they are smarter than their teachers. Eventually indigos will redeem the world, making it a tropical Eden free of trash, war and processed foods. But if somehow blocked from their purpose, indigos may turn dark, killing their parents, classmates or anyone else who stands in their way.
Born with a feeling of royalty, indigos will not respond to authority or any form of discipline based in guilt, fear or manipulation. Most cannot function in traditional school systems, not because they have ADD but because they are smarter than their teachers. Eventually indigos will redeem the world, making it a tropical Eden free of trash, war and processed foods. But if somehow blocked from their purpose, indigos may turn dark, killing their parents, classmates or anyone else who stands in their way.
"These young children--every one of them I've seen thus far who kill their schoolmates or parents--have been indigos," Nancy Ann Tappe, the woman who first recognized the phenomenon, said in the book.
From the Dallas Observer 3/9/06
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