Top 10 Best Places to Be a Mother

Houses in Australia and Sweden. 

Among the top 10 best places to be a mother:
1. Norway
2. Australia
3. Iceland
4. Sweden
5. Denmark
6. New Zealand

7. Finland

8. the Netherlands 
9. Belgium
10. Germany

Among the bottom 10 places:   Afghanistan ranks last, preceded by Niger, Chad, Guinea-Bissau, Yemen, Democratic Republic of Congo, Mali, Sudan, Eritrea and Equatorial Guinea.

The United States places 28, down from 27 in 2009, primarily because its rate for maternal mortality – 1 in 4,800 – is one of the highest in the developed world.   The US also ranks behind many other wealthy nations in terms of the generosity of maternity leave policies.

Mothers' Words Have Healing Powers

Mothers’ words have healing powers. That’s the conclusion released yesterday by researchers at the University of Wisconsin, Madison. More specifically they found that a stressed-out daughter will calm down as effectively after talking to her mother on the phone as from getting a hug from Mom in person.

Researchers first asked 61 girls (between ages 7 and 12) to do something stressful, like give a speech or tackle math problems. Then one-third of the girls were reunited with their mothers for 15 minutes of hugs and soothing talk. Another third got no hugs, but spent 15 minutes hearing soothing talk from their mothers on the phone. Both of those groups then watched a chatty, nonstressful movie for an hour. The last third had no contact with their mothers, and watched the same movie for 75 minutes.

The levels of cortisol (a stress-producing hormone) and oxytocin (a stress-reducing hormone) were measured both before and after the stress test. Those who had contact with their moms showed a decrease in cortisol levels and a decrease in oxytocin levels, while those who had no contact showed had cortisol levels that continued to rise even while watching the movie, and they showed no increase in oxytocin.

I imagine many of you want to jump in here and point out that dads can soothe their daughters, too, or that sons respond to their mothers, thank-you-very-much. I know that. But this study happened to be done with mothers and young daughters. Yes, I’d like to see one that includes some men, but the one I would like to see even more is a measure of the stress levels of these parents who are doing the long-distance soothing. I would bet that their cortisol levels jump when a stressed-out kid is on the line. And I would also bet those levels remain elevated long after the child’s have gone down.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/13/a-word-is-as-good-as-a-hug/#more-11949

What Do You Wish You'd Learned as a Kid?

As a parent, I want to give my kids rich, diverse life experiences. I want them to be passionate and find things they love. I saw this post, what do you wish you'd learned as a kid? and most of the responses were skill based: cooking, sewing, woodworking, fluency in another language, gardening, how to play an instrument, how to fix a bike, how to save money...

I had opportunities to learn most of the above skills, of course I can't say that I mastered any of them.

Here is my list of skills that I wish I'd learned/had been taught as a kid:

- how to practice active listening
- how to practice critical thinking
- how to turn moods around by changing my thought patterns
- how to practice good time management
- how to not be intimidated by anyone
- how to listen to my body and make healthy diet/exercise choices
- how to live with long term perspective

On Praise

A recent article in New York Magazine How Not to Talk to Your Kids by Po Bronson looked at several studies that found common forms of praise manipulative, destructive and damaging to kids. I'm familiar with the concept, every year the co-op preschool parent educators hand out a copy of Alfie Kohn's 5 Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job" article. I've learned to say, "You did it!" instead of "Good Job!" or "Tell me about your painting" instead of "What a beautiful painting. Nice work." Ask specific questions and give detailed feedback "I see you used a lot of red and orange for the volcano." Encouraging kids to have an internal sense of accomplishment, cultivating self-efficacy, and self-motivation is what really matters. It's hard to do though and I still find myself giving lazy praise where it isn't needed.

Kohn argues that punishments (including time-outs) and rewards (including positive reinforcement) may sometimes produce temporary compliance, but they do nothing to help kids grow into responsible, caring, ethical, happy people.

On Bronson's social studies blog they posted 14 guidelines for giving constructive, honest praise:

Children younger than age seven take praise at face value. After that, children become increasingly adept at scrutinizing praise for its veracity. By high school, teens have become so used to hearing insincere praise, that they believe that those who are praised are actually lacking in ability, while those who are criticized are the real talents in a classroom.

Instead of being a genuine compliment, praise is frequently a tool of manipulation – a way of controlling someone. That's particularly true for children. We often use it to control a child's performance or the others who have yet to deserve our praise.

Guidelines:

1. Don't Offer Global Statements
2. Be Sincere
3. Don't Use Empty Praise
4. Scale Back the Amount of Praise
5. Be Specific
6. Praise the Process
7. Don't Connect Praise with Promises of Future Success
8. Don't Confuse Praise with Encouragement
9. Timing is Everything
10. Avoid Praising in Public
11. Don't Praise To Avoid Giving Criticism or Addressing Failure
12. Don't Praise Undeserved Success
13. Know Your Praise Audience
14. Avoid Praise-Inflation

*The Praise Uber-Tip: Be Honest* If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

Child Well-Being Report Card

The U.S. got an F on UNICEF's (For every child, health, education, protection, equality - Advance humanity) "An Overview of Child Well-Being in Rich Countries" report card. Socialist countries that offer universal health care ranked highest which didn't surprise me, but I was curious to know what exactly constitutes child well-being and why was the U.S. ranked so poorly.

"Well-being" means everything: eating regular meals together with familes and talking regularly with their parents, receiving full courses of immunizations, literacy at age 15, percentage of young people who find their peers 'kind and helpful' (the U.S. had low marks here), percentage of children who eat fruit at breakfast, percentage of children who say they feel 'lonely, awkward and out of place', percentage who get daily exercise.

So drug use, teen pregnancy, obsesity, mean bullying peers, self aware lonely kids, kids without health insurance, high school drop outs -- all did the U.S. in. It makes me want to move to Amsterdam. Or Stockholm.

Child well-being at its highest in the Netherlands, Sweden, Denmark and Finland. There is no strong or consistent relationship between per capita GDP and child well-being. The Czech Republic, for example, achieves a higher overall rank for child well-being than several much wealthier European countries.

http://www.unicef.org/media/media_38299.html

Teaching Positive Thinking / Success Mindset

I heard this story on NPR this morning and it drove home the importance of emotionally coaching Elliot through school.

A new study in the scientific journal Child Development shows that if you teach students that their intelligence can grow and increase, they do better in school.

"Other children think intelligence is something you can develop your whole life," she says. "You can learn. You can stretch. You can keep mastering new things."

"If we gave students a growth mindset, if we taught them how to think about their intelligence, would that benefit their grades?" Dweck wondered.

So, about 100 seventh graders, all doing poorly in math, were randomly assigned to workshops on good study skills. One workshop gave lessons on how to study well. The other taught about the expanding nature of intelligence and the brain.

The students in the latter group "learned that the brain actually forms new connections every time you learn something new, and that over time, this makes you smarter."

Basically, the students were given a mini-neuroscience course on how the brain works. By the end of the semester, the group of kids who had been taught that the brain can grow smarter, had significantly better math grades than the other group.

"When they studied, they thought about those neurons forming new connections," Dweck says. "When they worked hard in school, they actually visualized how their brain was growing."

Dweck says this new mindset changed the kids' attitude toward learning and their willingness to put forth effort. Duke University psychologist, Steven Asher, agrees. Teaching children that they're in charge of their own intellectual growth motivates a child to work hard, he says.

"If you think about a child who's coping with an especially challenging task, I don't think there's anything better in the world than that child hearing from a parent or from a teacher the words, 'You'll get there.' And that, I think, is the spirit of what this is about."

Dweck's latest book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, gives parents and teachers specific ways to teach the growth mindset of intelligence to children. A new study in the scientific journal Child Development shows that if you teach students that their intelligence can grow and increase, they do better in school.

Parenting Resolutions

From Go to Your Room!: Consequences That Teach by Shari Steelsmith.

• Respond to your children more calmly. I make the point in my book, Go to Your Room!: Consequences That Teach, that your discipline has a much higher chance of succeeding if you do it without yelling, exasperated lecturing, or crying. Becoming emotional only tells your child that you’ve lost control—and given it to him or her. If you can discipline calmly, even dispassionately, you will dramatically increase your odds of success. Make use of deep breathing, time-outs (for yourself), and other relaxation techniques to help you keep a rein on your emotions. Planning ahead for what guidance technique you will use when the misbehavior appears again is also very useful for maintaining calm.
  
  
• Limit your child’s exposure to “screens.” This is a constant battle at my house— making sure the “screen time” doesn’t creep up past the day’s limit. Studies tell us that the less time a child spends watching TV, playing on the computer or X-box, or otherwise entertaining himself with screens, the better his achievement in school and his cooperation at home. When kids don’t use screens, they do things like read, play outside, ride bikes and participate in other wholesome activities.
  
  
• Have regular family dinners. I know, you’re thinking, “Duh.” But with all the extra-curricular activities in which we allow our children to participate, family dinnertime is often a casualty. It’s easy to let this get out of hand. Remember, families who have dinner together regularly have a much higher percentage of healthy, well-adjusted children. Kids need predictable time to talk with their parents about their day, the opportunity to help with family chores (preparing food and doing dishes), and the opportunity to eat homemade food. Dashing through a fast-food drive-through and eating chicken nuggets on the way to practice is no substitute for a real family dinner.
  
  
• Read a new parenting book. Okay, this is a little bit of a commercial here, but be aware that there are constantly new, good parenting titles available on the market. If your bookshelf just has an old copy of Dr. Spock and a pregnancy manual collecting dust, then it’s definitely time to update your collection. Personally, I have three new books on my desk that I’m anxious to start—one on talking with your children about sex, one on challenging behaviors, and one on parenting proactively. There is a wealth of information available on this very website in the form of articles—all for free. So read something new and put a little wind in your sails.

Disneyland

We were lucky enough to get free tickets to Disneyland this year (Thanks Chris!) so we thought it was about time for Asher to experience the Magic Kingdom. Michael, Britta and Grandma joined the crew and we had a surprisingly smooth trip, sans major breakdowns and tears.

Asher loved It's a Small World and all musical aspects of the park. Elliot was tall enough to go on all rides (how did that happen?) but we kept it mellow. He wasn't sure about Pirates of the Caribbean so we skipped it. We met another 5 year old boy at Tom Sawyer's Island (which is going to close soon) and they became fast friends running around the island caves and toured the rest of the park with us.

I made everyone eat in the French Quarter right next to some singing pirates so Elliot got a taste of the pirates experience. We saw Captain Jack Sparrow, Elliot's latest obsession. The menu at the cafe was disturbing, deep fried peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and deep fried grueyere cheese sandwhiches are just as bad as they sound. It took us forever to be served but the kids were entertained.

I think we left a minimal impact on the park, Grandma bought the boys pirates shirts and Elliot had to have a huge set of iron jailer's keys.

Here are my tips for visiting Disneyland:

1. Bring extra snacks and water
2. Eating at the theme restaurants is tolerable only if there is live entertainment
3. Don't go on ToonTown with a 3 year old (it's too scary)
4. Keep sugar consumption low (we had churros and salt water taffy - that was more than enough)

Scrutiny

I was really struck by this photo of Rick Santorum's concession speech. Danny called me over to see it and I thought it was a manipulated photo, something done by a snarky Santorum hater. It's photo journalism, but it's more art. So much is on the surface.

The heart of the photo is the almost anachronistic (plaid pinafore), emotionally overwhelmed little girl clutching her doll in a matching outfit. Why don't you like my dad? Why have you been so cruel to my family? Do you know what I've been through? The older brother has a stunned, severe look on his face, used to keeping it together, but clearly on the verge of breaking down. The older sister also has a twisted grimace, a teenage sulk, a little angry, life will be hell tomorrow. She looks more embarassed. It's extreme exposure, were they coached? Did the photographer do something to elicit that reaction? I don't think so. They're just kids, their lives are changing, it was late at night, they were humiliated. I read a ton of really hostile comments about the family and this photo - 8 year old girls don't carry dolls, the boy looks like hitler youth, reason magazine ran the photo with a tongue in cheek headline that said "Your tears are so yummy and sweet." I despise Santorum's politics, I'm glad he's gone. But it could have been any political family. The photo says a lot about American family dynamics, american culture, the brutality of politics.

Riding the Dragon

Dr. McCurry talks about being in a "riding the dragon" mindset when parenting kids. Instead of head butting and crashing into rocks, dive into the madness, paddle into the current fast, hang on to the tail of the dragon and go with the energy. Elliot lately has been begging me in the most desperate whiny voice to buy him this grotesque baby skeleton in a cage that we saw in Target. Tonight he started in again, "whyyyy wouldn't you buy me the skeleton in the cage that I wanted. I waaaaanted it." I said, "It was disturbing and gross. I didn't want to buy it." He said, "It wasn't a baby, it was a person." More whining.

With my new dragon mind, I said, "You really like skeletons, you really like bones don't you." "I do because they're the inside of a person." he said. It worked like a charm, perfect verbal redirection. We then talked about how next semester he'll take the after school science class. Totally into it. Maybe I don't need to slay any dragons elsewhere in my life.

We'll see if it works with Asher. Ok, wear your spiderman pajamas to school. Ok, cry into your ice cream that's too sweet. too cold. too rich. too much. Too many choices and no limits isn't good either. We'll see.

He's still in the dreamscape of babyhood. When I read him "Brown Bear" he pretends to eat a little piece of each animal's tongue. "Yum" he says. He asks for cod liver oil. He asks his parents to "look at the poop" on the sidewalk. In the Halloween costume book he points to the picture of the boy dressed as an alien and says, "Asher."

Baby Einstein vs Barbie

Po Bronson (What Should I Do with My Life?), who pokes holes in conventional wisdom and examines social trends with refreshing clarity in his down to earth blog Social Studies, had an article in Time Magazine this week on the media hype that surrounds the spate of books and articles written about family issues that only affect 10% of the wealthiest U.S. population. The side effect of this anxiety is that it causes widespread panic where it need not and contributes to (for example) lower rates of college enrollment for Latinos (media tells them college is too expensive and competitive). Claude Fisher, a Professor of Sociology at UC Berkeley said, "A social trend is whatever is happening to a newspaper editor and the editor's friends." Bronson's point is well taken, but isn't the media targeting this affluent audience? Isn't it all about advertising dollars and marketing to the most desirable demographic?

Still, Bronson could have chosen a better example than baby einstein (I understand the name says it all) I have a few Baby Einstein books and videos and they're extremely boring. Perhaps Baby Einstein isn't selling as many products because they don't understand kids. Elliot loves science and history and we have tons of books that really spark his intellectual curiosity (such as the Eyewitness series board books for babies to encyclopedias for older kids). Eyewitness gets kids.

As for Barbie, I haven't had to face that issue with my boys (although I did make the decision to let the boys play with small action figures who have weapons - a pirate without a sword??). I cut her legs off, tattooed her face and melted her hair, but I loved Barbie... Action figures (including barbies) are very important to imaginative play. It's developmentally appropriate and intellectually stimulating to play with dolls throughout childhood. Baby Einstein or Leap Frog or any other educational toy is not in direct opposition to action figures or dolls.

How media elitism misrepresents the American family - Po Bronson in Time MagazineWho would win in a fight, Baby Einstein or Barbie? Baby Einstein isn't a character. He's just a brand. So that imaginary fight wouldn't be a fistfight. It'd be a fight for mind share and market share. It'd be a fight for dollars. Every day, in Targets and Wal-Marts across the country, those two brands go at it. Which one do you give your kid? It depends on how old your child is, obviously, but as any good supermom will tell you, Baby Einstein is the choice of parents who want their daughter to speak Swahili by seventh grade and go to Harvard. They leave Barbies for people who, they imagine, just want their daughter to have a smile on her face and go to a great state college.

So who's winning? It's not close. Barbie crushes Baby Einstein. Last year the Baby Einstein brand sold $200 million worth of products. The Barbie brand's sales were 15 times as high. A giant $3 billion.

I bring that up because I sense the media are ignoring the true American family and instead are putting the dramas of affluent families on Page One. It would be O.K. if they delivered those portraits with a sardonic wink, so that we might laugh at the foibles of the well-off. But there is no wink. In the eyes of the media, we all buy Baby Einstein.

Godzilla the Good Dad

Elliot is into Godzilla these days. I was searching for less scary videos of Godzilla and found this public service announcement about how you don't need to be bigger than life to be a good dad. All it takes is spending time with your kid. It takes a man to be a good dad. Is the announcement saying that you don't have to be a big show off to have fun with your kids? Playing monster is a classic dad and kid game. Not sure it's effective. Cute though.

Laura on Project Runway - Baby #6

I loved Laura's comment last week about baby #6. "I don't think anybody's really ready for their sixth child, but five, six, seven, it doesn't make that big of a difference. I'll just throw it on the pile with the other ones."

Laura must have two nannies, she's a millionairess architect living in NYC. I guess the kids take care of each other. FourFour said her hardboiled philosophy was refreshing. Hard core mommy.

Confessions of a Focus Group Whore

The market research groups call me monthly to see if anyone in my household qualifies for a focus group. We're in a desirable demographic apparently, age, education, income wise. I have an opinion about most everything, I end up going to a few each year.

I was paid $60 (usually it's $75) Monday night at a focus group for mothers of preschool aged children. I'm usually a contrarian pain in the ass, so I don't feel too bad about participating in these focus groups. This group consisted of 6 moms, most had two kids under the age of 5. All of the kids were in preschool. The leader asked us about our communication with the teachers. What we thought of the teachers. What we thought of the school. What sort of material we received from the school on a regular basis.

They asked our opinion about the partnership of Scholastic and Chlorox to market products to kids and parents. They handed out a heavy card stock, glossy insert full of bulleted tips for keeping kids healthy (cough into elbow, sing happy birthday twice while washing hands) during flu season. They wanted to know if we found it distasteful, would we think the teachers were sponsoring/advocating the product. Was it more of a magazine or an advertisement?

I said it was confusing and the partnership didn't make sense. Everyone else said without scholastic they would ignore it or think it was an advertisement. Scholastic gave it instant credibility and trust. I said, what about using a health related sponsor or parenting magazine instead?

Most women thought by having the booklets at school and tucked into the child's backpack at the end of the day, meant the school approved of the product. They also had no problem with sending promotional items home with their child.

The school would read a germ busting book and provide germ busting games (mazes, coloring books, awards) published by Scholastic (tie in). I said the materials seemed cheesy. Maybe they would be used once and I doubt it would make an impression on kids.

I also ojbected to materials going home in the backpack. I would also strongly object to any food product or toy products going home. They would be marketing directly to my kid.

The group weighed in on other ways to market this bleach product. The moms said they regularly visit product site video games (I hate those with a passion!!) Related article here.

The end result was that I was the only person in a group of 6 who said why bother with scholastic. It's advertising, give us a product sample, give us a few tips, but the scholastic tie in is worthless. I'm pretty sure what they're really doing is finding ways to market directly to kids and make them life long brand loyal suckers.

Sleep Training + Schedules - NPR Report on Pediatrics Study

I heard this report as I was driving home from work and of course listened with great interest. Sleep is a pet issue of mine. I know sleep training is as combustible as politics and religion topics wise. Everyone has an opinion about the cause of troubled sleep and you can't win either way. I've tried the "natural mothering - attachment parenting - co-sleeping" approach with Elliot and the "strict schedule" approach with Asher. Neither of my kids were great sleepers in their first 2 years.

I've known a few babies that have slept well alone since birth. I know it happens. But they're freaks of nature, robot babies. Even before I heard the results of the study I thought, it doesn't make a difference, it's just a fact that babies will wake up multiple times during the night and destroy your sanity and your life no matter what.

Ferber vs. Sears vs. Weissbluth
The Ferber way is totally crazy making. Everyone seemed to tell us this was the only way to go. Our pediatrician. Friends. Family. Short term pain for long term gain. We tried "crying it out" and couldn't handle it after two nights of crying, going in to pat him every 10 minutes (Elliot was 18 months at the time). We gave up. Then we were Sears / Panter "No cry sleep solution" subscribers for a while, but when that dragged on for nearly a year without significant levels improved sleep for any of us, we had to try extreme measures after Asher was born. The Weissbluth healthy sleep habits book which advocates early bedtimes really saved our lives. Downside is that everyone thinks you're a sleep nazi and you can't go out at night as a family anymore. "What?! Your kids go to bed at 6pm?" I got my life back. It was heaven. I didn't care. Now I've relaxed, but I actually think we should go back to earlier bedtimes (elliot goes down at 8 and asher at 7) because the night ritual seems to be taking longer lately.

Elliot had no schedule, he slept with us, nursed on demand and it was fine when he was really little, but after 2 years, it wasn't working for any of us. He wouldn't go to sleep without me, bedtime took 2 or 3 hours. If he woke up and I wasn't there he'd freak out. I was completely chained to him, I had to sleep with him to get him to go to sleep. I was so resentful after a while. Ever since we did the Weissbluth sleep training and early bed time with him at age 3 (6pm), he's been a great sleeper. The biggest thing I learned from sleep training is that if you're firm, in control and you expect them to sleep, that positive thinking goes a long way.

Asher actually has always been a great napper. He's been on a schedule since he was 7 weeks old. I still put him down at 1pm, leave and he's out (nearly 100% of the time). Before we addressed the recurrent ear infections, Asher slept through the night only a handful of times. Now that he's older and isn't dealing with ear infections, he's sleeping better but tends to complain about going to sleep ("I'm hungry"-- "I need water" -- "Medicine"). Then he wakes up at 2am or 3 or 4. We move him into our bed and he sleeps for the rest of the night. Still not perfect. We'll have to wean him out of our bed when we move back into our house.

New Advice for Sleep Deprived Parents
by Allison Aubrey
June 5, 2006

Research published Monday offers some of the first strong evidence-based advice on what approach is best at getting a baby to sleep through the night.

What some baby experts offer up in opinion and theory, psychologist Ian St. James-Roberts has put to the test. In his latest research, published Monday in the journal Pediatrics, he recruited three groups of moms-to-be.

The first group was made up of women in Europe and the United States who were aligned with a natural-mothering network: They held their newborns 15 to 16 hours per day, breast-fed on demand, and co-slept with their babies.

The second group, in London, was much more structured in its approach to baby care, setting up schedules for feeding and naps. Overall, the London parents had about 50 percent less contact with the babies than the "natural-network" moms.

The third group, made up of moms in Copenhagen, Denmark, split the difference between the two more extreme approaches. They carried their babies a lot during the day, but typically did not sleep with them.

The researchers compared the habits of all the babies throughout the first 12 weeks of life, and then again at 10 months.

St. James-Roberts says that neither of the extreme methods proved better than the other, although they produced different outcomes with different costs and benefits.

The advantage of the "natural-mothering" technique was that the babies fussed much less in the early weeks of life. They cried half as much as the London babies who had less physical contact. But the drawback is that the "natural-mothering" babies did not sleep well at night. And by 10 months, they were waking and crying much more than the London babies.

The Copenhagen babies, whose parents were taking the moderate approach, fared very well. As a group, they cried little after the first six weeks of life. By three months, their results were similar to the London babies -- they were settled well at night.

St James-Roberts says that some infants -- ones evenly distributed through all three groups -- suffered bouts of colicky crying. He says that this suggests there is a biological nature to colic that parents can't control.

"That's an important message for parents," St. James-Roberts says. "It's not their fault. Within the normal range of baby care, it doesn't make very much difference to these colicky crying bouts."

But when it comes to establishing solid sleep habits, St James-Roberts says that parents can make their mark. Six weeks seems to be the age at which there's a real advantage to putting a baby down and taking a middle ground between the "natural moms" and the "London moms."

"Move over to something that is setting more limits and introducing more routines and that will then help babies learn to sleep through the night from about 12 weeks onward," he advises.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5452458

Tantrum Prevention for Little Monkeys

Thought I would post some of the tips Asher's teacher handed out for squelching tantrums. I need help with curbing whinning more right now. However, it's my feeling that tantrums for 2-3 year olds are just as inevitable interrupted sleep for 0-2 year olds, I'm convinced it's physiological.

2 Main Principles:

• Maintain a regular schedule and follow established routines.
• Be consistent about rules and expectations.

Where appropriate, allow your child to do things for him/herself; monitor your child and praise his/her successful efforts at independence.

Give choices wherever possible. LIMIT the choices to two options that you can accept.
Make sure that your choices can’t be answered by a Yes or a No.

Where possible, frame demands as choices. (“Do you want to wear your coat or your sweatshirt?” “Do you want to get in your car seat yourself or have me help you?”)

Give advance warnings when transitioning between activities or stopping an activity.

Limit your use of “no.” Think of alternatives to saying no.

Anticipate difficult situations and talk your child through them in advance. (“We’re going to go in the store and won’t stop at the toys; you can help me find the boots and when we’re done we’ll go home and play in some puddles.”)

Listen to your child, talk WITH your child, and have lots of “floor time.” Make sure that at least some of the time s/he is in charge of what you do together and how you do it.
Follow your child’s lead. If your child is in a “difficult” period (e.g., having frequent tantrums), take this as a sign that your child needs MORE unstructured time with you, even though you may feel less inclined to spend time together, given this phase.

When things begin to escalate, try to head off a tantrum by diversion or a change of scene.

Provide positive reinforcement (praise, a smile, a hug, an enthusiastic comment) for using words to convey what s/he wants and feels, rather than acting out negative emotions.

Provide positive reinforcement when your child calms himself/herself down. (“Wow! You were mad at Jake for pushing you – I would be too – but you found a book to look at to help yourself feel better. I’m proud of you.” “Boy, you were sure upset when you were yelling, but [parent smiles] you calmed yourself down and are feeling better, so now we can play some more!”

Provide positive reinforcement when your child behaves appropriately, especially in challenging situations.

Handling Tantrums When They Occur

Stay calm; take a deep breath; take a personal “Time Out” if necessary (“I’m feeling pretty upset right now; I need to go sit down by myself for a minute; I’ll be back soon”); keep reminding yourself of the developmental significance of tantrums – it’s not really misbehavior, and it’s not about you.

If this is a manipulative tantrum (i.e., designed to get your attention or to get you to do something) ignore if possible. “Ignore” in this case means don’t watch; stay present but turn away or direct your attention to something; look bored.

If it is not a manipulative tantrum, move in close to your child, as close as s/he will allow. (this works for Elliot) Many children will not want you to do this at first; respect that choice and behave accordingly, but as soon as your child begins to seem a little bit calmer, try moving closer and touching her/him gently. If s/he responds positively to this, you might offer a hug. Staying present is important because it communicates that you accept all your child’s feelings and that you will not reject her/him for “bad” feelings. Your presence also helps absorb and contain those out-of-control feelings. (Exception: If YOU are feeling angry, wait until you have calmed down; don’t move in close or touch your child when you are angry or you might frighten your child and escalate the tantrum.)

If the tantrum has not escalated too far, go through the “Emotion Coaching” steps with your child:
label the emotion; BRIEFLY state what the child appears to be feeling and
the apparent cause;
empathize (“I can see why . . .”, “I would be too if . . .”.);
pause and look at your child to see whether s/he feels you “got it”; if not, say more about what you think they might be feeling, in an empathic way;
then, after you think your child feels understood, state the limit (“But I can’t let you . . .”, “But we don’t ______, even when we’re angry”); and finally
offer or suggest an alternative (acceptable behavior, change of scene, substitute object, other outlet for feelings, etc.) (“Would it help to _____?” Would you feel better if __________?” “How about ___or _____instead?”)

Ensure the child’s safety, perhaps even verbalizing this to the child (for reassurance).
Ensure that the child can’t hurt you, other people, or objects in the environment..

When the tantrum is over, comfort your child and reestablish connection as soon as possible. If the tantrum was a reaction to a demand from you, once the tantrum is over repeat the demand and help the child comply.

WITH OLDER CHILDREN:
Afterwards (later that day, or the next day) talk with them about what led up to the tantrum and elicit their ideas about how the tantrum could have been avoided – what they could do in a similar situation, what they could do the next time they’re feeling that way.

Mothers + Matriotism - Cindy Sheehan

We saw Cindy Sheehan at the Sacred Activism conference Friday night and she spoke about "Matriotism" the opposite of patriotism. She is a very persuasive speaker, casual and funny in delivery but really sharp and biting. She heavily criticized the democrats for being wimps about the war, especially hillary clinton.

Matriotism balances out the militarism of patriotism. Matriotism is a "commitment to the truth and to celebrate the dignity of all life."

"A Matriot loves his/her country but does not buy into the exploitive phrase of 'My country right or wrong' ... A Matriot knows that her country can do a lot of things right, especially when the government is not involved ... However, a Matriot also knows that when her country is wrong, it can be responsible for murdering thouands upon thousands of innocent and unsuspecting humans. A true Matriot would never drop an atomic bomb or bombs filled with white phosphorous, carpet bomb cities and villages, or control drones from thousands of miles away to kill innocent men, women and children."

"A matriot would never send her child or another mother's child to fight nonsense wars ... [while] Patriots hide behind the flag and eagerly send young people to die to fill their own pocketbooks."

"I know one thing from the bottom of my heart. My son, Casey, who was an Eagle Scout and a true American patriot, was not served well by his idea of patriotism. I will never forgive myself for not trying to counteract more the false patriotism he was raised on, with a true sense of Matriotism."

"I also know that the women of the world who don't have a voice, such as the mothers of Iraq who are struggling just to survive in their needlessly destroyed country, are counting on us women who do have voices to use them to end George Bush's manifestly idiotic doctrine of preemptive wars of aggression based on the justification that "I think that country might be dangerous to me and my pals."

War will end forever when we matriots stand up and say: "No, I am not giving my child to the fake patriotism of the war machine which chews up my flesh and blood to spit out obscene profits."

The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children

The consequences of a sexually repressive, paternalistic, conservative society:
http://salon.com/mwt/feature/2006/05/11/fessler_qa/


The problem was that all the parties were kept apart from one another, and it was a paternalistic system that told these women, "We know what's best for you."

Was there an element of social engineering at work? Were the women seen as less capable of parenting because they had already disgraced their families?

Definitely. The message from social workers was that the baby would be so much better off with an adoptive family than with the surrendering mother because she was already a screw-up -- she'd gotten pregnant, she wasn't married, so how good a mother could she be?

And if you look at the world in general, outside the U.S., it's quite clear that both sexually and politically women still do not have equal say or power. Look at the Supreme Court right now. We don't know yet what effect their decisions will have on the country, but just the imbalance of representation indicates that on some level we still value men's opinions more, or believe that men can make more rational decisions. So if nothing else, I hope that by uncovering this hidden little part of women's history, I can help build a bridge between two generations, and to show young people today the importance of having a voice, of being participants in their own lives.

Books for infants and toddlers

Asher's teacher gave us this handout regarding books that are good for infants and toddlers.

For babies look for books with:
• few words per page
• familiar, recognizable objects
• minimal story, if at all

For babies who will sit and listen, and for toddlers:
• books featuring rhyme and/or rhythm
• books based on a repeated refrain or pattern


Photographs of familiar things
Dorling Kindersley (DK) is the premier publisher of this type of book. Some of their books have too many things on one page for this age, so choose carefully. A number are board books. All are sturdy and hold up well.

Another series is the See How They Grow books, which show pictures of animals at different stages of life – the library system has a number of these.
For older toddlers, see the Eye Opener series, which focuses on a particular category of object or animal (trains, boats, small animals, etc.).
NOTE: These are great for encouraging your toddler to “read” to you!!

Pictures (drawings) of familiar things
For older toddlers, usually. Animals, tools, construction equipment, etc. You’ll have to see what style of illustration seems to hold your child’s attention. Generally, the stronger the lines and the bolder the colors, the better.
NOTE: As above, encourage your toddler to read these to you.

“Interactive” books
Lift-the-flap books: Dear Zoo, Nicky’s Noisy Night, Here Comes a Truck, etc
* You might want to keep these for “special” (i.e., only you can reach them).
Tactile books: Pat the Bunny, etc.
Pages with holes in them for turning easily: Moo, Moo, Peekaboo, etc.
Find-the _______ books: Have You Seen My Duckling? etc.
There are always new variations on these. Ask bookstore owners to show them to you.
I would suggest allowing your child free access to these (put them in a basket or on a shelf that s/he can reach; rotate them to maintain interest.


Books illustrating familiar songs
Galdone, Over in the Meadow
Paparone, Five Little Ducks

Books featuring rhyme and/or strong rhythmic patterns
For infants and younger toddlers:
Good Night, Moon
Time for Bed
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?
Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do You Hear?
Mora, Listen to the Desert/Oye al Desierto (in English/Spanish)
For older toddlers:
Carlstrom, Jesse Bear, What Will You Wear?
London, Fireflies, Fireflies, Light My Way
Mahy, Seventeen Kings and Forty-Two Elephants

Books involving repetition – theme and variation
For infants and younger toddlers:
Williams, More, More More! Said the Baby
Goodnight, Moon, Brown Bear, Polar Bear, and Jesse Bear books (above)
For older toddlers:
Brown, The Runaway Bunny (also a story)
Carle, Have You Seen My Cat?
some older toddlers will like Aardema’s Bringing the Rain to Kapiti Plain

Books involving language play
For younger toddlers on up:
Martin/Archambault, Chicka-Chicka-Boom-Boom
Degen, Jamberry
For older toddlers on up:
Pomerantz, Piggy in the Puddle
Mosel, Tikki Tikki Tembo

Simple Stories
For younger toddlers:
Berger, Grandfather Twilight
Carle, The Very Hungry Caterpillar (also interactive)
the Carl books (no text – you have to tell the story by commenting on the pictures)
Hughes, the Max books

For older toddlers and up:
Owl Babies
Mazer, Salamander Room
Trafuri, The Biggest Boy
Hughes, the Alfie books (Alfie is a great problem-solver)
Bread and Jam for Francis

Self Care for Crabby Parents

The parent educator for Asher's class did a "filling up the well class." She urged us to realize that self care is for our relationship and our children's emotional health as well as for our own sanity. She recommended "Parenting From the Inside Out" by Dan Siegal.

Stresses of parenthood:
unpredictable job
dealing with an unreasonable boss
poverty (relative - to pre-kids)
little positive reinforcement
dull, repetitive tasks
sometimes isolating no other adults to talk to
physically draining
clouds thinking
quality of work judged by outsiders
interferes with social relationships
interferes with sexual relationships
lack of sleep makes you cranky
not a lot to give at the end of the day
division of labor tends to be unequal
our own parents judge our parenting
more stress on the breadwinner, higher level of anxiety

In order to cope with the stresses of being a parent of young children we need to ensure we're paying attention to the following dimensions of our identity:

• Physical
• intellectural
• emotional
• spriritual
• psychological

Some of the best advice:

• Give up little pieces of control
• Practice releasing control
• Strengthen bond between couple with friendship and shared interest
• Learn communication and problem solving skills
• Make sure you time alone
  
• Make sure you devote time to activities that nurture your indentity (intellectual and creative)